Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
