Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
