Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
