True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
