I can text with my tongue
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
