yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
