After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
