party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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