I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
