i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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