So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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