Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize