Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
