dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
