This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
