Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
