my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
