I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
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