tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
