Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
