I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
