remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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