My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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