Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
