if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
