He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
