a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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