My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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