Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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