he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
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