in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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