Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
