I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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