I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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