i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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