***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize