You made me cry and you don't even care
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
