She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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