guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm at about main and main street
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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