haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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