I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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