Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
