i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
