...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
