theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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