I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
