We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
