I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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