Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize