I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
