Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
