She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
