my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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