I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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