I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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