went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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