Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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