So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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