Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
