life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
