I showed him my bush... on skype.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
