I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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