This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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