how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
